Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Randomize
