I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
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