we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
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