i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
tonight lets celebrate not being married
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Randomize
