cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Randomize
