my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
Is it because I queefed?
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
