I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Randomize
