Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
