I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Randomize
