Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
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