at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
