If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
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