I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Randomize
