Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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