my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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