Rock
Scissors
Fuck
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
