Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
When are your genitals available?
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
You ruined the universe
Randomize