I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
