i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Tell me exactly where it said it wasn't a unisex bathroom.
That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Randomize
