when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Randomize
