if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
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