so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Randomize
