I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Randomize
