That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize