Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
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