I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
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