What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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