Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
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