my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
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