Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Randomize
