I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
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