I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
