just tell him i said nine months
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
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