I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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