Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
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