Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Randomize
