OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Randomize
