I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Randomize
