I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Randomize
