He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
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