I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Randomize
