Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Randomize
