1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
