Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
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