even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize