i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize