Can I ask u a weird question?
Sure
do u have the hershy squirts too?
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Randomize