I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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