I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
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