Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
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