"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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