I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
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